I Want

I feel like a puppet being tugged, pulled, lifted, swayed, twisted and torn by some person. That person is BYU. I've known for my entire 4 year education that Winter semester is the worst and every time Fall comes around, I have to remind myself NOT to give myself morning classes because of the cold weather (and daylight savings especially) and to NOT give myself more than 14 credits. This year, because of my need to move on with my life and achieve greater and better things, I have 18 credits. They're not simple classes (really what are simple classes at BYU) but rather very demanding, intense classes where the professor often reminds us that "college is for higher learning" and we can not be nursed to a good grade, but rather push and pull and try our hardest. Well professor(s), I am done pushing and pulling and trying my hardest. I feel so weak and all I can think about is the ocean and life that comes with being at the ocean. Or being a full time mom. That's all I want. I want the simple life of picking and dropping off kids, having the house clean by the time Drew gets home, cooking a fabulous meal that I knew how to do from scratch, without a recipe. I want to be able to live somewhere that is not surrounded by too-happy-college kids or the opposite: anti-Mormons. I want to find a craft and just do it because I have the time to and a home to decorate. I want to have a close group of girlfriends that get together atleast twice a month together to do whatever it is girlfriends do when they're together. I want to be close to family. I want my business to thrive and progress and not be scheduled around my schooling. I want my friends to be done with school so that the topic of conversation is not school and also, so our schedules don't revolve around the testing center's schedule or class. I want to move on. You'd think that this lifestyle is actually not that awesome (but rather boring and typical) and that being a student for however long you can milk it for- is actually pretty cool. Living on school loans- not knowing what the future holds. No that is not fun. I'd rather have 10 children under the age of 10 than have to go through another year of this.

Now that I know I want to move on, it's really hard taking mid-terms or turning in busy work. These emotions are not a surprise to me- it's how I've felt my entire life. Every grade I'm in, I feel like I should be in the one above (maybe because I was put back a grade?) So I guess since I'm a senior now, I feel like I should be graduated and on with my life.

I want to move on for the only reason to not have something to complain about. I know I will always have things to complain about and life is not as green as I think it is beyond Provo. But I'm pretty sure it is. Okay I'm done. That felt good.